Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

Long time, no see, old buddy! 2 summers ago, you came for a visit and moved your pesky butt right in with me for over 6 months. You showed up without warning. We looked for medical reasons, psychological reasons, tried medication, etc., and there seemed to be no answers and nothing really helped. You finally packed your bags and moved out when I embarked on the most exhausting experience of my life up to that point - pregnancy.

Holy crap, I had no idea how exhausting it would be to be pregnant! Not sleeping because "OMG I AM JUST SO STRESSED OUT AND SLIGHTLY OCD!" would not fly at that juncture in my life. So, for 9 glorious months, I slept. And slept.

Now that pregnancy is over and I have my lovely daughter, I am writing to say thank you. If only I had known that you, Insomnia, were preparing me for parenthood, I would have been much more appreciative of your presence in my life.

Now, I get precious little sleep, but insomnia is not the cause. The cause now is that my kid needs something. She needs to eat or she needs a hug. Whatever. She needs me. And when she needs me, she gets me, sleep be damned.

I understand that this sleep deprivation is stressful for new mothers. Yeah, it sucks, I guess. But I think that it is freaking me out a LOT less because I got to stay up so many nights with YOU last year, Insomnia. Now, the nights I spent with you weren't any fun at all, so in that way, they were much different. I tossed and turned and watched lots of bad late night TV. I cried a LOT. I missed some work, too, before I realized that I just needed to suck it up and deal. I learned that I can function without sleep. It m ay not be as much fun, but I can get through. This has turned out to be an invaluable lesson to my new-mom self.

The nights I spend up with my baby are much more enjoyable. She doesn't usually fuss (anymore). Usually, she is just wide awake and staring up at me. Sometimes she wants to eat, so I feed her. There are worse things in life than sharing a meal in the middle of the night with someone you love. Sometimes she just needs to snuggle, like last night. On those nights, I put her in bed with me and we sleep. I sleep very lightly and very uncomfortably, listening for her breath, my arm falling asleep under her head as I stiffen all my muscles so I don't inadvertently roll over on her. It's the best thing ever.

So, thank you. Without your little visit last year, I might be getting hung up on the not sleeping thing and be all, "Woe is me! HOWEVER shall I survive without my full 8 hours?!" Since I know that I will be a-ok without all that slumber, I can enjoy all these precious moments 100% worry-free.

With appreciation,
Jess

101 Reasons I Love Scott Disick

I'll skip the apologies for not blogging. I recently read a quote on someone else's blog comments that said, "Instead of apologizing for not blogging, just delete your fucking blog." Touche.

I need to tell you all about my new hobby, because it has been a long time since someone or something entertained me this much.

Once upon a weekend, I turned on the TV to get some background noise while I showered and got ready for something or the other. I watch Chelsea Lately every night, so the TV was already on E!, and since I just turned the TV on and scooted into the bathroom, I didn't bother changing it. When I got out, "Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami" was on.

Now, I have never been a huge fan of reality TV. In most cases, I downright abhor it. Recently, however, I have warmed up to a few reality shows, mostly stuff like America's Got Talent or Last Comic Standing. "Celeb - reality" is not something I would have ever seen myself watching. But there I was, with the K's in the background, and I started picking up on little things that were going on. Then, out of nowhere I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed, half dressed, cheering Khloe on in a fight with her sister who was (at least in this case) being a massive bitch.

Normally, I would be ashamed of myself. But, after only a few episodes, a new obsession was

born, and I have NO shame about it whatsoever.

His name is Scott. Scott Disick.

Scott Disick is Kourtney Kardashian's boyfriend. He is a ridiculous human being. And I love him.

"Love" and "Scott Disick" are not things you hear in the same sentence from many people other than Kourtney. Most people hate this guy. But my stance is this: if you love to laugh, you should love this man. Plain and simple.

Here are the reasons I love Scott Disick. OK, so maybe there aren't quite 101, but they all count for more than one reason, because they are all such awesome reasons.

1. Scott Disick's sweaters

Scott Disick perpetually has a sweater draped oh-so-delicately across his dainty little shoulders. WHO DOES THAT?!?! It isn't stylish. It doesn't make him look suave. It makes him look like a douchebag, and it makes me LAUGH AND LAUGH. This, at least, I don't seem to be alone in thinking, as someone saw fit to give Scott's sweater it's own Twitter account.

2. Scott Disick's hair (see above)

Yeah, it's pretty much always slicked back like that. It makes me think of "Friends" and how Rachel's dad always gave Ross a hard time about how much product he used in his hair. "Hey, Ross, you swim here?!" Scott looks like he swims everywhere. Maybe he does. There seems to always be a pool or a beach nearby.

3. The way Scott Disick drinks water

In one episode of K&K, Scott was visited by Kris (the girls' mother). He was wearing a fluffy hotel bathrobe (which was almost a reason all it's own), and drinking a glass of water. But this was not just any glass of water. The water was chilled, but not iced, and was in a stemless wine glass. I swear I saw a lifted pinkie. During Kris' entire tearful plea that he get his act together, I couldn't stop laughing.

4. Scott Disick's Sissy Alcoholism

Nothing about alcoholism is funny. Now that we have that out in the open, leave it to this guy to make it funny. Scott is known to get wasted and make an ass of himself on a regular basis. You'd think that a guy of his timeless dignity and class would be a scotch man, or brandy even. Well, then, you'd think WRONG! What does Scott Disick drink? Here are the funniest things I have seen him get wasted on -

- Champagne

- Corona Light

- Bottles of wine stolen from Kim.

I mean, HELL. If you're going to be an alkie, at least be a man about it, you know?

5. Scott Disick's new line of self tanner

Apparently, it's like liquid sunshine. LINK

6. Scott Disick's Twitter page

Scott's Twitter page is comedy gold. It is full of replies and retweets from Scott haters with replies from the man himself. And boy does he know how to shake them off. Case in point -

"@scottdisick We all hope you fall off that roof you get drunk on"

His reply?

"Don't hate, just because your 2 poor to have a roof to jump off"

Well played, sir. Well played.

Life. Changing.

It's Friday night. This is what I am doing. I am sitting on my couch, where I have been all day, watching a Dane Cook comedy special and trying really, really, really hard not to throw up. And the feeling like I need to throw up has nothing to do with the fact that I am watching a Dane Cook comedy special. Mind you, it is also my birthday weekend.

So how did this happen? How did I wind up as such a loser? Well, it all started a few months ago, when I started having unprotected sex with my husband. You guessed it. My husband has given me that ever-so-common sexually transmitted disease commonly known as pregnancy.

In spite of how sick I am, I really am ecstatically happy about it. It's just hard to show it with one's head in the toilet.

I think that even though I am sick as a dog, it has not quite sunk in yet with me that this is for real. Instead, it is as if I have a tiny hope, burning inside like a little flame. Every so often, it comes shining through, like when I look at my office and imagine what it will look like as a nursery, or when I watch those cheesy shows on Discovery Health and cry EVERY. TIME. they hand that sweet newborn to its mother for the first time. I know that tiny flame will be fanned to full life on Monday, when I go to the doctor and hear our itty baby's heartbeat for the first time. I really and truly can't wait for that moment.

I just hope the doctor writes me a scrip for some nausea meds while I am there.