Why turning 30 makes me want to do the opposite of diet

One week ago today, I turned 30. I used to joke that I would just stay 29 forever thankyouverymuch, and celebrate the anniversary of my 29th birthday each year until I die. As the years passed, I matured a bit, and remembered some great words of wisdom from the artists of my youth: that my age is just a number, and that time is our closest friend. So, I took 30 in stride, got a tattoo (more on that at a later time), and threw a lavish slumber party for my girlfriends. And it was awesome! Part of me wishes I could repeat it every year, and the other part gets tired just thinking about it. Maybe I'll do it up big again when I'm 40.

But, I digress. Since I turned 30, I have been thinking a lot about my sedentary lifestyle, my godawful eating habits, and frankly, my really crappy relationship with any and all "weight loss programs." You see, last year I did Weight Watchers and lost about 20 pounds. I have done it before and lost about the same. I don't want to shit-talk Weight Watchers, because I honestly think they do great work for a lot of people. But you guys, 20 lbs is about my breaking point with Weight Watchers. I keep rejoining thinking it will be different this time, and it just never is. I go in all excited and motivated and it beats me down. By the time I reach that 20 pound mark, I am mentally drained from all the counting, all the measuring, all the tracking every single thing I put in my mouth. I keep feeling like there has got to be a better way. And I think I may have found it.

The last few months I have been really and truly off the weight loss wagon, I have had some time to think. It started with the question of what I really want. REALLY. My knee jerk answer was that I want to lose 100 lbs and be at my ULTIMATE HEALTHY WEIGHT. But is it? Really? I felt deep down that the answer was no. I don't really want that. I mean, it would be nice, but I feel like I was idealizing a number. It is arbitrary, and doesn't embody what I really want for myself at all. So, with regularity, in the very back of my mind, I have been asking myself: in terms of my health, my body, my lifestyle, what do I really want.

Small thoughts would come and go. I don't want to count. I want to do activity that is fun. I want to treat myself when I want to. I know that fast food and junk is not how I want to eat all the time. Honestly. After a while, it all tastes the same and just...not good. I want to start eating more responsibly. I want balance. I don't want to lift weights or kettlebells or anything like that. I don't do lunges. Ever. I like to walk. I want to have that feeling I did when I was a little kid after running so fast I thought my legs were gonna fall off.

Today was the first time I was able to articulate what I want, talking with my friend Melissa: "I know what's healthy and what's not. My brain doesn't react well to rigid point/calorie counting. I just want to eat good, healthy food, eat when I'm hungry, and be active doing things I enjoy." Why does that have to be so difficult? Maybe it doesn't. Maybe I'm just so freaking programmed into thinking I need a plan and a system, that it has honestly never occurred to me not to.

This may not work, but I feel like it will because it seems logical to me. It makes my ADHD brain feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The mission is to feel good about myself, to love my body and treat it well, and to do it with a measure of peace and simplicity. I'll let you know if it works.

If anyone has ever accomplished this goal and has some recommended reading (NO DIET BOOKS), let me know. I'm interested in your feedback.

I Feel Pretty. Or Want To, Anyway.

So, in big fabulous news, I have a new job! It's with an really amazing marketing company, and I'll get to do the the things I love best: interwebz marketing stuff, and helping people. I am really pumped about it.

One of the things that I have done a lot of so far is research. I have learned more than I ever cared to about at least two subjects, and a little about several more. One of the things I have spent a lot of time the last few days researching is fashion and beauty blogs.

You guys. This is a problem.

You see, once upon a time, I gave a rat's ass about looking cute, wearing fashionable clothes, doing my makeup, keeping my hair dyed and trimmed and my eyebrows waxed. Slowly, things changed. I got married. Money got tighter with all the grown up stuff we were doing. Then, we had a kid and money got tighter, and I honestly started enjoying buying stuff for her more than for myself, and then well...you  know...LAST YEAR happened. It's been a LONG time since I have "taken care of myself" in the sense of caring about my appearance.

I had reached a point of being OK with this. Just the other day I was thinking that another of the many perks to working at home is that no one has to see me. Ever. Sweats it is! And greasy hair! For life!

But then I started researching these blogs and DAMMIT if they didn't make all the stuff I had stopped giving a shit about look really awesome. Here are just a few of the things I now want as a result of my research.

1. A cute little nose piercing.

2. All the eyeshadow. And brushes.

3. I want to dress like this girl: Girl With Curves.

4. I want bangs again. I told Beau that if I ever said that again to tie me to a chair and Chinese-water-torture me until I change my mind. They always drive me nuts. What I want is short kind of blunt ones that I won't have in my eyes all the time. I am only afraid that I will look silly because I am heavier and I have a round face and a big ol' head.

5. Tattoos. I decided today that I am getting the Mockingjay from the Hunger Games series on my birthday. Something like this:

I don't want to change my whole personality here. I know that I will never be the type of person who won't leave the house without  makeup, or in my sweats, but I do want to start putting an effort into how I look.

Or maybe I'm just turning 30 and having a quarter-life crisis. Again. Maybe all this is my equivalent to buying a red Camaro.

I hate exercise. Here's what I think of my two new exercise DVD's.

Like just about every other person in America, I made a New Year's resolution to take better care of myself, and recommit to losing weight and getting in better shape. This isn't really new for me. I have been doing Weight Watchers since July and have lost about 20 lbs, but I have been a big slacker since Thanksgiving, and other than bike riding, I never really got on board for the exercise part of the program. So, I dragged my butt to Target and got (on sale! Woot!) two workout DVD's. Bob Harper's Beginner's Weight Loss Transformation, and Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds.

I'm not a huge fan of the Bob Harper DVD, and it's not only because I am woefully out of shape, though that is part of it. I am far from being an expert, but I really don't feel that this is a beginner level workout. I found it to be very difficult. I've done it twice now, and I think it will take many more times before I can get through it without stopping. It's really ass-kicking, and you can tell that even the very in-shape people in the video are having a hard time toward the end.

There is very little instruction on how to do the moves beginners may be unfamiliar with (reverse tabletop? Wtf is that?) or that can result in injury if done incorrectly (such as lunges and squats). There is very little talk about how the moves should feel if done correctly or incorrectly. There are times where he mentions that a move can be modified, but no one shows the modification, which can be confusing.

All that said, it really is a great workout in that it is total body and really intense. I don't like doing it, but I feel really good afterward. At least, until the soreness sets in. I want to conquer it, so it's staying in my rotation.

I love Leslie Sansone and her Walk Away the Pounds series. The DVD I bought includes four workouts of 1-4 miles that get progressively longer and more difficult. They incorporate walking in place with other aerobic-type moves, as well as some strengthening exercises. The first workout is very easy and quick, perfect for a true beginner, or for those days when you really want to fit some activity in, but don't have much time. The three mile workout is perfect for my fitness level right now. I still feel like I'm getting an intense workout, but I don't need to stop much. It really has something for everyone. Also, it can be done with very little space, and there's no jumping around, which is great for apartment dwellers like me. Leslie has a smile on her face and is talkative throughout, always encouraging. Some say she is cheesy. I say I like not getting yelled at. I'm looking at you Jillian Michaels.

Feel free to take my reviews with a grain of Mrs. Dash. Like I said, I'm no expert. Just a regular, chunky girl with opinions. Too many, some might say.

If you have a workout DVD you like, I am taking suggestions.

I have not forsaken...ya'll.

So, we're officially all moved in to the new place, and mostly unpacked. We don't have cable/internet yet, though. It's a beating. Well, the internet part is, anyway. I don't miss TV much, to be honest. I won't make any self-righteous claims about how I have realized how much time I wasted, etc, etc. I am wasting just as much time watching Gilmore Girls on DVD. I'm just wasting time more efficiently. It's way better to watch 12 straight hours of Gilmore Girls because I chose to than it is to watch 12 straight hours of SVU just because USA is having yet another "Stabler is Hott" marathon. It's gotta be better for my mental health, too right?

I am planning to spend some quality time with some free WiFi tomorrow, so you'll have a proper post then. Meanwhile, here's a cute picture of Sophie. She is really insisting on feeding herself these days, with cute, messy, hilarious results.

Everywhere

I'm not usually much of a poet, but I was just having sine thoughts about my kid, and it came out in a semi-poetic format, so...there.

When she was a baby, there was spit up everywhere.
Now that she's a toddler, there are crumbs everywhere.
When she is a preschooler, there will be toys everywhere.
When she's a big kid, there will be art supplies and books everywhere.
When she's a preteen, there will be posters of pop stars everywhere.
When she's a teenager, there will be makeup, accessories, and emotions everywhere.
When she leaves, there will be nothing but memories everywhere.
So, bring on the crumbs.

Today, I give you cuteness!

I was going to blog about my weird celebrity crushes today. I have some weird crushes, you guys. Some weirder than others. I think I need the weekend to really do that justice, though, so instead I am going to show you a cute picture and video of Sophie! And then I am going to complain about being broke at Christmas! Do those two things go together?

In the last few weeks, Sophie has been very into the kitchen. She's been learning how all the cabinet doors open and close, and how all the drawers open and close. She hadn't been actually getting into the stuff in the drawers, so I made the mistake of turning my back for just a moment. When I turned back around, I found this:

Because this was only the first time it happened, we both thought it was soooooo cute and funny, so we set out to record it on video. Who knew that the thing we actually set out to record wouldn't be NEARLY as funny as the faces she made when Beau found the flash light on the phone camera:

What a hambone.

Hunger Games thoughts, part deux: But the VIOLENCE! But the CHILDREN!

I think I was on book 2, Catching Fire, before I looked down and saw the Scholastic trademark that I was oh so familiar with from my childhood. As an avid reader, I practically saw that red Scholastic symbol in my sleep, since they published so many of the books I read. I was taken aback by that for just a moment, and had to remind myself, "Right. These books ARE written for kids." And then someone popped up and introduced herself in my psyche. I'll call her Prudence the Prude. She isn't a prude in the sexual sense. She is my inner violence prude. Prudence said, "B-b-but the VIOLENCE! The CHILDREN!"

(in my head, I picture Prudence as Church Lady)

I had to really stop and think about that for a moment. These books are violent. I mean, they're about children being forced to fight to the death with other children. These deaths are described in fairly good detail. It's not glossed over or sugar coated. The characters don't collapse into a pile of shiny coins or sparkles and rainbows.

Well, I thought, you certainly can't shield kids from much violence in this world without locking them in their rooms forever, with no TV, no phone, no computer, and apparently no books. And when you think about it, that is pretty violent in and of itself. No, kids are going to be exposed to violence whether we like it or not. It's on the playground when kids get in fights or bully each other. It's the road rage they witness (from you or from others) as you drive home. It's on the 6 o'clock news. As if that's not enough, there are always those pesky and oft-blamed violent video games. Why not add books to the mix? I mean, at least they're reading, right?

Then, an awesome thought occurred to me. What if, in this instance, the violence has a purpose? And if that purpose is served, what if it's a good thing?

I said in the last entry that these books have a lot of themes that force us to think about the world we live in. The Hunger Games teaches valuable lessons in doing what is right, standing up to oppression, sacrificing for a greater cause, just to name a few. The story the books tell is instrumental in teaching that lesson, and I don't know that a less graphic tale could teach it as well. The violence is not pointless or senseless. It is framed to tell a story and teach many lessons. To me, that makes all the difference.

So, with that thought I banished Prudence back to a dusty corner of my brain, ordering her not to return until she finds something more worthy of judgment. Like those Captain Underpants books. Those are stupid. But that's another rant for another day.

Do you have thoughts on The Hunger Games, violence, or Prudence? Let me know below.